How to stay motivated

I found something worse than shopping for a bathing suit.  A love interest who also loves winter sports took me (as a surprise) to buy snow pants.  I was already on edge in the store seeing all the cute athletically built women shopping in their adorable fitted apparel when he said “Let’s get you snow pants!”  I’m a plus size. There’s a reason I don’t have snow bunny gear.  Fear quickly took hold at the thought of trying them on then panic set in when he asked me my size.  Obviously he knows I’m not petite but telling him to find me an XL is not the most fun I’ve ever had.  I know his past girlfriends have been quite active and trim.  He’s not used the challenge of finding clothing for someone over a size 8 never mind 18.  Quietly I shared that I would need an XL and we went looking.  There’s not much to choose from in my size so I took what was there to try on.  Yup he wanted me to try them on so he could see.  Swallowing hard as the dread made my cheeks burn, I went into the dressing room.  Inside I sat down and took a deep breath.  My hands trembled as I tried the first pair on (over jeans) and could get them on but there was no way I was going to be able to zip them.  He asked how they were and if he could see them as I sat in the dressing room taking them off, tears rolling down my face.  This is why I want to lose weight.  I don’t want to be embarrassed or feel so unattractive that I wished I could become invisible.  Trying to keep my voice steady I said I didn’t like that pair and tried on the next.  These did fit better and I was able to do them up and even sit down in them.  Reluctantly I modeled them for him as the woman in the next dressing room modeled her size 5 ski tights (sigh).  I felt like the Michelin Man.  Snow pants are not flattering as they are not only puffy but kinda shiny.  Snow pants over jeans is really not a good look as there’s just more bulk added – not exactly what I need.  He ended up buying them for me all excited that I could join him to play in the snow.  I wear them with thin layers underneath and the feel better than with jeans but the feeling in the dressing room is something I never want to feel again.  Most of us have had moments like this I’m sure.  How do we handle them?  Do we sabotage ourselves and self soothe with food?  I used to.  Do we hate our bodies for betraying us?  Honestly I still do but am trying to change the self loathing to self loving.  I know so many women dealing with similar issues.  How do we remember to value ourselves no matter what size or shape we are?